This morning I woke up and like usual I checked my facebook account :) I am not friends with my students on facebook while I am their teacher because it isn't very professional. I had a message from a student (which you can do even if you aren't friends). This is how it read (name is changed).
Mrs. -
I really need to talk to you... I'm not doing too great...everything isn't going as planned. Like when I moved up here it was supposed to be better for me but it just seems to be tearing me apart even more than before....You know how I told you how I used to cut (her wrists) .... well I did it again. And i don't want anyone else to find out because I don't feel like going to my stupid therapist again. She didn't help out any. I just wanted to talk to you... I would talk to my mom or sister about it but they would just yell at me and tell me how stupid I am for doing it. I'm just ready to get out of this school, I don't think this many people have ever hated me in my life. At my old school I never got picked on or talked about. But here everything seems to be opposite. - Tara
The moment I read the message I felt anxious about this girl. She moved to my school in January and has quickly become one of my favorite students. She is sweet and hardworking with a great sense of humor and is easy to relate to. There are many days when she has stood up for me when her classmates have been cruel. I quickly messaged back to urge her to come to school and we would talk. On my ride to school I felt sick because I was worried about her. I immediately began to beg God to give me wisdom in how to handle the situation. I prayed specifically for Tara and for me to have the right words to say.
I was able to talk to Tara during 3rd period.. Luckily a teacher covered my class and I got her out of her class. I could tell that she had been crying and she just looked upset. I sat her down and basically told her that I was there to listen, we would work things out and there was hope. I told her some of my personal struggles with depression so that she would feel comfortable being so open with me. I told her I felt honored that she would talk to me about these things. Then I told her to talk - I was here to listen. I asked a few questions along the way but this is what she basically told me.
Her parents divorced about 2 years ago. Before they divorced she would sit in her bedroom and plug her ears to drown out their yelling. When her mom left her dad she was dropped off at a church so that she would be safe.
After their divorced she lived with her mom and they fought often. This is when she began cutting her wrists. Her mom was frustrated with her and so she shipped her off to her dad's (who now lived in Georgia). Things were even worse at her dad's. He was a drug user and so was her sister who was also living there. Her sister became pregnant by a young man and when she was almost 9 months pregnant and sick she encouraged Tara to hang out with the father to keep him occupied. So her sister's boyfriend and "baby daddy" raped Tara. As I sat at the table and she told me this through tears (she could barely choke it out) I began crying and just felt so overwhelmed with grief for this young lady. I just cried to her "I'm so sorry this happened. How awful how awful."
Child protective services then pulled her out of her dad's because he was physically abusing her and constantly yelling. She moved back with her mom and began using marijuana. She came to the town I teach in to visit her sister over Christmas break. Her mom called and said ... stay there. I'm sick of you. You mean NOTHING to me. That is how she got to this school, in my classroom. She is still struggling with issues between her parents. Her mom tells her often that she is worthless and a "mistake". Poor Tara feels so unwanted.
We had to go back to class but I am meeting her for lunch tomorrow. We are going to come up with some things to look forward to and some hope. This girl needs hope. She needs to know that her life is not going to always be like this. If you're reading this I invite you to pray for Tara. I know that's not her real name but pray for her and her peace and that I would be wise enough to lead her through this valley.
Teach
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Rewards...
Today I was inspired by reading a new friend's blog and her complete vulnerability and openness. Since this blog is anonymous, I find it hard sometimes to be extremely open. It's hopefully obvious to you that this year has been TOUGH on me. I have been stretched in ways that I have never thought I could be. There are so many days when I come home from school and feel as though I have done NOTHING in these student's lives. There was a point, right before I began this blog, that I was almost ready to give up. I felt so discouraged and beaten. At the exact moment that I felt so low, God blessed me with rewards and visions of my work being worthwhile. I haven't talked much about my faith on here, because I try to keep this blog primarily about my career and things that happen at school but the Lord infiltrates every part of my life and it's impossible to keep Him out of my blog.
When I first interviewed at my school, I was warned about the "horrible" 8th grade class - unlike any other. At that time I was desperate for a job and quickly dismissed this comment. Almost immediately I began to see visions of that warning. Throughout the fall I was cussed at, given the middle finger many times, and told how awful of a teacher I was. One of my 8th grade classes in particular had many anger issues and LOTS of DRAMA! There were fights happening almost every other day. The 2nd week of January a student completely lost it in my classroom - cussing and honestly scaring me and I wondered if he would hurt me. After I forced him to leave class I broke down. I lost it. I was a horrible example to my students. I screamed at the top of my lungs, used the word "pissed" (which they continually remind me of) and I cried. I remember saying to them "I don't know what to do anymore. What can I do to get you to respect me?" Since this breakdown happened mostly due to my male student who lost it, I developed quite a bit of anger and bitterness toward him. This student was suspended and given a "second chance waiver" to come back to school. I kept thinking "he'll never make it when he comes back. He'll be kicked out within days." What a horrible lack of faith. God gave me the gift of teaching to believe in these kids whose parents aren't there (this boy's dad is in prison) and I totally did not give him a chance! He came back to school and despite my lack of support and horrible attitude he has SUCCEEDED! A student who was getting F's and D's had all A's and B's this term. He has been recognized by many teachers for a change in attitude. Did I mention that he has bipolar disorder or that he was the youngest person in the county to be put under house arrest 2 years ago? I have pulled him aside 2 different times to tell him how proud I am of him and he glows. No one has ever told him this before. When I think about this boy I feel ashamed. How could I give up on him in his weakest moment, even when he hurt me so badly? God doesn't give up on me when I sin against Him, deny Him, turn my back on Him.
God has made my lack of faith apparent to me by giving me rewards which I do not deserve. The class I was talking about earlier has become my favorite. Much of the drama is gone (come on they are in 8th grade, it can't completely go away). The students love me and although I shouldn't, I need their love. Many of them have expressed their disappointment over my being "let go". The boy I was just talking about even said if I got a job 2 hours away (a place that I applied to) he would go to high school there. I have not completely earned these student's acceptance. There were many times I wished evil on them or thought they were incapable of change.
Today 2 girls who have told me flat out they don't like me, asked to eat lunch with me. Wow - I was shocked but excited for lunch. We talked about boys, the dance coming up and one girl mentioned she didn't have a dress and couldn't afford to buy one so she didn't know if she would go. I've had some old dresses from high school and college in my trunk to try and sell at a resale shop so I went out a grabbed them. Girls started filtering in my room and it ended up becoming a "fitting room". A few of them are borrowing dresses for the dance now. It feels good to know that even if I don't get the dresses back and I can't sell them again, I got paid an even greater amount by helping these girls. These 2 girls wrote their names + mine on my hand = BFFs forever. They want to be my friend. I haven't changed so why do they like me now?
Whew, guess I've needed to update for awhile. Why is it I feel most like writing in the middle of the night but I can't never stay up that late? No wonder I STILL haven't gotten my short story published.
Teach
When I first interviewed at my school, I was warned about the "horrible" 8th grade class - unlike any other. At that time I was desperate for a job and quickly dismissed this comment. Almost immediately I began to see visions of that warning. Throughout the fall I was cussed at, given the middle finger many times, and told how awful of a teacher I was. One of my 8th grade classes in particular had many anger issues and LOTS of DRAMA! There were fights happening almost every other day. The 2nd week of January a student completely lost it in my classroom - cussing and honestly scaring me and I wondered if he would hurt me. After I forced him to leave class I broke down. I lost it. I was a horrible example to my students. I screamed at the top of my lungs, used the word "pissed" (which they continually remind me of) and I cried. I remember saying to them "I don't know what to do anymore. What can I do to get you to respect me?" Since this breakdown happened mostly due to my male student who lost it, I developed quite a bit of anger and bitterness toward him. This student was suspended and given a "second chance waiver" to come back to school. I kept thinking "he'll never make it when he comes back. He'll be kicked out within days." What a horrible lack of faith. God gave me the gift of teaching to believe in these kids whose parents aren't there (this boy's dad is in prison) and I totally did not give him a chance! He came back to school and despite my lack of support and horrible attitude he has SUCCEEDED! A student who was getting F's and D's had all A's and B's this term. He has been recognized by many teachers for a change in attitude. Did I mention that he has bipolar disorder or that he was the youngest person in the county to be put under house arrest 2 years ago? I have pulled him aside 2 different times to tell him how proud I am of him and he glows. No one has ever told him this before. When I think about this boy I feel ashamed. How could I give up on him in his weakest moment, even when he hurt me so badly? God doesn't give up on me when I sin against Him, deny Him, turn my back on Him.
God has made my lack of faith apparent to me by giving me rewards which I do not deserve. The class I was talking about earlier has become my favorite. Much of the drama is gone (come on they are in 8th grade, it can't completely go away). The students love me and although I shouldn't, I need their love. Many of them have expressed their disappointment over my being "let go". The boy I was just talking about even said if I got a job 2 hours away (a place that I applied to) he would go to high school there. I have not completely earned these student's acceptance. There were many times I wished evil on them or thought they were incapable of change.
Today 2 girls who have told me flat out they don't like me, asked to eat lunch with me. Wow - I was shocked but excited for lunch. We talked about boys, the dance coming up and one girl mentioned she didn't have a dress and couldn't afford to buy one so she didn't know if she would go. I've had some old dresses from high school and college in my trunk to try and sell at a resale shop so I went out a grabbed them. Girls started filtering in my room and it ended up becoming a "fitting room". A few of them are borrowing dresses for the dance now. It feels good to know that even if I don't get the dresses back and I can't sell them again, I got paid an even greater amount by helping these girls. These 2 girls wrote their names + mine on my hand = BFFs forever. They want to be my friend. I haven't changed so why do they like me now?
Whew, guess I've needed to update for awhile. Why is it I feel most like writing in the middle of the night but I can't never stay up that late? No wonder I STILL haven't gotten my short story published.
Teach
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Where to next?
Well everyone... or anyone out there who reads this...
I got my pink slip last week. Even though I know it's not because of my teaching skills, it was still disappointing. I have to admit though, I am not going to be sad leaving my school. This year has been unbelievably rough and trying. There were so many days that I questioned myself as a person and teacher.
My students are on a 5 day field trip and so I only have 7th graders to teach. I'm excited to have 2 hours tomorrow and be able to work on applications (which I hate doing).
Anyone who hears of jobs in the midwest, leave a message and let me know!
Teach
I got my pink slip last week. Even though I know it's not because of my teaching skills, it was still disappointing. I have to admit though, I am not going to be sad leaving my school. This year has been unbelievably rough and trying. There were so many days that I questioned myself as a person and teacher.
My students are on a 5 day field trip and so I only have 7th graders to teach. I'm excited to have 2 hours tomorrow and be able to work on applications (which I hate doing).
Anyone who hears of jobs in the midwest, leave a message and let me know!
Teach
Monday, April 12, 2010
Pig Farmers?
I'm sorry I don't update too often. I definitely have something to write about every day, it's just a matter of finding the time to write. I enjoy writing and feel like sometimes it is therapy to me but there are days when a hot bubble bath is just more important.
Today I had an IEP meeting. This is, in basic terms, a meeting for a student who has special needs to discuss what should be done in the next year for the student. This is at least how they run at my school. I have had many of these meetings throughout the year and they have all been quite interesting but today's may have topped them all.
I have a student, we'll call him, Doug, who lives on a pig farm. I have driven past his house and it is quite run-down and looks very rustic. Doug often comes to school in stained or ripped clothing and with dirt under his fingernails and caked on his hands. There are many days when I have thought "How could you let your child come to school like this?"
Today I had a light bulb moment. His parents were him, but older. Dad was wearing overalls and a button-down plaid shirt. He was sunburned and had VERY dirty fingernails. Mom was wearing high-waisted boyish jeans with boots and a belt. She had a tank top on and a hat turned backwards. The most noticeable thing about her was the large wad of gum she was chewing with her brown, rotten teeth. Wow! I was shocked to say the least.
Once I talked to the parents I could tell that they really wanted the best for Doug. They wanted him to succeed and they cared and loved him but...
they probably had a similar IQ to Doug. This family is not blessed with natural smarts and therefore, Doug is growing up with parents who are lacking in this area. It's sad that he will probably grow up to be just like his parents. I want to believe that he will be greater. I know he can be greater but the odds are against him.
One last thing. Today in my school mailbox I had an EXTREMELY depressing poem about a child who felt like his teacher stunk and gave up on him. It was such a downer. My colleague and I were actually appalled that anyone would put such a negative poem in our mailboxes. With all the junk that is going on with education, I would expect people to try and encourage my fellow teachers and I.
Arg,
Teach
Today I had an IEP meeting. This is, in basic terms, a meeting for a student who has special needs to discuss what should be done in the next year for the student. This is at least how they run at my school. I have had many of these meetings throughout the year and they have all been quite interesting but today's may have topped them all.
I have a student, we'll call him, Doug, who lives on a pig farm. I have driven past his house and it is quite run-down and looks very rustic. Doug often comes to school in stained or ripped clothing and with dirt under his fingernails and caked on his hands. There are many days when I have thought "How could you let your child come to school like this?"
Today I had a light bulb moment. His parents were him, but older. Dad was wearing overalls and a button-down plaid shirt. He was sunburned and had VERY dirty fingernails. Mom was wearing high-waisted boyish jeans with boots and a belt. She had a tank top on and a hat turned backwards. The most noticeable thing about her was the large wad of gum she was chewing with her brown, rotten teeth. Wow! I was shocked to say the least.
Once I talked to the parents I could tell that they really wanted the best for Doug. They wanted him to succeed and they cared and loved him but...
they probably had a similar IQ to Doug. This family is not blessed with natural smarts and therefore, Doug is growing up with parents who are lacking in this area. It's sad that he will probably grow up to be just like his parents. I want to believe that he will be greater. I know he can be greater but the odds are against him.
One last thing. Today in my school mailbox I had an EXTREMELY depressing poem about a child who felt like his teacher stunk and gave up on him. It was such a downer. My colleague and I were actually appalled that anyone would put such a negative poem in our mailboxes. With all the junk that is going on with education, I would expect people to try and encourage my fellow teachers and I.
Arg,
Teach
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Tough Tuesday
Today was a rough day... so rough I am questioning my choice of career. Is this really how I want to spend my time...crying every day?? I know that most people say the first year of teaching is difficult but at my school it is unreal. It seems like every time someone tries to give me advice it only makes more work for me and makes me feel even more overwhelmed and inadequate. After my time student teaching and substituting I got some amazing reviews I think maybe I was over-confident in myself. Pardon my language but maybe I really do just suck as a teacher. Right now I have one class of 8th graders who feel like the other 8th grade class gets treated better than they do. One of my 8th grade classes is of higher ability than the other. The higher ability class thinks the other class gets to "party" all the time in my class. I have no idea what has led them to believe this because I do exactly the same thing with both classes. I do admit that the 2nd class is usually better behaved and if a class behaves well than they gain privileges. The higher ability class has been very rude and disrespectful to me and they hurt my feelings on a daily basis. I know I need to grow thicker skin. Sigh... I need more sleep.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Apologies for my Absence
Hello my few followers,
I'm sorry I didn't write very much in the last few weeks. Last week it was spring break and the week before it was the week before and just absolute insanity. On Tuesday I went to a professional development conference and left my students to a substitute. Now my students have run off MANY substitutes over the last few years so I am always having a panic attack when I must leave them. The last time I had a sub I left a movie for the students to watch and they were pretty well behaved but I feel like I shouldn't have to show a movie every time I am gone. My students should be able to behave with a sub while doing classwork. So I left a lesson and gave a lecture on the consequences of misbehaving for a substitute. In January when I had a sub I came back and had over 10 detentions because my students were so bad! This time I only had 2 detentions so at least I see some kind of improvement.
Spring break was such a nice time of relaxing and I honestly barely thought about school. I work so hard during the time when school is in session that when I have breaks I try not to work on too much school work. I don't want to get too burned out.
On the Friday before break I had lunch and a talk with Betty (remember...she is the student I mentor). We had a good lunch and I bought her a candy bar again. She said "Mrs. - you know you do not have to buy me this." I told her I knew that but I wanted to do something nice for her. She was talking to me about how her dad wants her to visit him over spring break but she doesn't want to go. Now remember, Betty's dad tried to commit suicide with Betty at his house. She was the one to find him after he shot himself in the face. I don't blame her for not wanting to go over there. She asked me for advice but I didn't know what to tell her so I just tried my best. I'm not a social worker and I honestly have no training with those situations but I can be there for her and listen. Anyway, Betty was also pulling on her tank top because it was ripped all along the bottom. She said that she asked her mom for a new one to wear under shirts and it was 5 dollars at Wal-mart but her mom said she couldn't afford it. It broke my heart. I also found out a little bit more about Betty's living situation. She and her mom live in town over a tanning salon. I'm not sure if they pay rent or how they are able to live there. Her mom does not have a job or a car. I asked Betty how they got places and she said they didn't go anywhere. I don't understand how an unemployed mother of 2 can afford to live or properly care for her children. If she can't even afford a 5 dollar tank top from wal-mart it doesn't seem like it's a great place for her children. So, my husband and I went shopping a few times over spring break and I ended up buying Betty a tank top. I just couldn't handle knowing that she had to wear old, ripped clothes. I can afford to spend 8 dollars for someone who has so little. When I gave it to her today she said, "Mrs. - you didn't have to get this for me." She is so thankful and unselfish. She came in 2 more times to give me a hug and the day isn't even over.
The rest of my first Monday back has been pretty awful and the thought crossed my mind to just start running and not look back. One of my 8th grade classes is extremely rude and disrespectful. They complain about me as a teacher and say they "hate me." A student in the class even said "Why are you guys so mean to Mrs. -?" She didn't know I overheard her as this and I didn't hear the students' responses. When lunch started I felt like I was going to cry. How come these students are so hard to please? They were complaining about an assignment and the assignment was copying down definitions from the dictionary and using words in sentences. I'm not asking too much of them yet they act like 5th graders. Today I tried using the approach of ignoring them instead of yelling or getting mad. That seems to do no good. It's hard though when I can feel my temper start to rise and my face gets flushed and I start to sweat (it just so happens I forgot deodorant today too).
We'll see what the rest of the day brings...
xo,
Teach
I'm sorry I didn't write very much in the last few weeks. Last week it was spring break and the week before it was the week before and just absolute insanity. On Tuesday I went to a professional development conference and left my students to a substitute. Now my students have run off MANY substitutes over the last few years so I am always having a panic attack when I must leave them. The last time I had a sub I left a movie for the students to watch and they were pretty well behaved but I feel like I shouldn't have to show a movie every time I am gone. My students should be able to behave with a sub while doing classwork. So I left a lesson and gave a lecture on the consequences of misbehaving for a substitute. In January when I had a sub I came back and had over 10 detentions because my students were so bad! This time I only had 2 detentions so at least I see some kind of improvement.
Spring break was such a nice time of relaxing and I honestly barely thought about school. I work so hard during the time when school is in session that when I have breaks I try not to work on too much school work. I don't want to get too burned out.
On the Friday before break I had lunch and a talk with Betty (remember...she is the student I mentor). We had a good lunch and I bought her a candy bar again. She said "Mrs. - you know you do not have to buy me this." I told her I knew that but I wanted to do something nice for her. She was talking to me about how her dad wants her to visit him over spring break but she doesn't want to go. Now remember, Betty's dad tried to commit suicide with Betty at his house. She was the one to find him after he shot himself in the face. I don't blame her for not wanting to go over there. She asked me for advice but I didn't know what to tell her so I just tried my best. I'm not a social worker and I honestly have no training with those situations but I can be there for her and listen. Anyway, Betty was also pulling on her tank top because it was ripped all along the bottom. She said that she asked her mom for a new one to wear under shirts and it was 5 dollars at Wal-mart but her mom said she couldn't afford it. It broke my heart. I also found out a little bit more about Betty's living situation. She and her mom live in town over a tanning salon. I'm not sure if they pay rent or how they are able to live there. Her mom does not have a job or a car. I asked Betty how they got places and she said they didn't go anywhere. I don't understand how an unemployed mother of 2 can afford to live or properly care for her children. If she can't even afford a 5 dollar tank top from wal-mart it doesn't seem like it's a great place for her children. So, my husband and I went shopping a few times over spring break and I ended up buying Betty a tank top. I just couldn't handle knowing that she had to wear old, ripped clothes. I can afford to spend 8 dollars for someone who has so little. When I gave it to her today she said, "Mrs. - you didn't have to get this for me." She is so thankful and unselfish. She came in 2 more times to give me a hug and the day isn't even over.
The rest of my first Monday back has been pretty awful and the thought crossed my mind to just start running and not look back. One of my 8th grade classes is extremely rude and disrespectful. They complain about me as a teacher and say they "hate me." A student in the class even said "Why are you guys so mean to Mrs. -?" She didn't know I overheard her as this and I didn't hear the students' responses. When lunch started I felt like I was going to cry. How come these students are so hard to please? They were complaining about an assignment and the assignment was copying down definitions from the dictionary and using words in sentences. I'm not asking too much of them yet they act like 5th graders. Today I tried using the approach of ignoring them instead of yelling or getting mad. That seems to do no good. It's hard though when I can feel my temper start to rise and my face gets flushed and I start to sweat (it just so happens I forgot deodorant today too).
We'll see what the rest of the day brings...
xo,
Teach
Monday, March 15, 2010
Glass
Well it's lunchtime and I thought I would give a quick summary of my day thus far.
It's library day so we have lots of silent reading time. It's nice for it to be quiet! Also, this is spirit week for the SADD group. Today is mix and match day so I am wearing plaid, polka dots and stripes!
Just as my 8th graders were leaving for lunch one of them "set" his head against the window and it broke. I didn't see him near the window but I did hear his head hit the glass. It didn't sound like he just "set" his head against it. I'm embarrassed because this makes me look like a bad teacher and like I can't keep control of my class. Sometimes it is the case but really this class does whatever they want.
Well I should go,
Teach
It's library day so we have lots of silent reading time. It's nice for it to be quiet! Also, this is spirit week for the SADD group. Today is mix and match day so I am wearing plaid, polka dots and stripes!
Just as my 8th graders were leaving for lunch one of them "set" his head against the window and it broke. I didn't see him near the window but I did hear his head hit the glass. It didn't sound like he just "set" his head against it. I'm embarrassed because this makes me look like a bad teacher and like I can't keep control of my class. Sometimes it is the case but really this class does whatever they want.
Well I should go,
Teach
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)