Rewards...

Today I was inspired by reading a new friend's blog and her complete vulnerability and openness. Since this blog is anonymous, I find it hard sometimes to be extremely open. It's hopefully obvious to you that this year has been TOUGH on me. I have been stretched in ways that I have never thought I could be. There are so many days when I come home from school and feel as though I have done NOTHING in these student's lives. There was a point, right before I began this blog, that I was almost ready to give up. I felt so discouraged and beaten. At the exact moment that I felt so low, God blessed me with rewards and visions of my work being worthwhile. I haven't talked much about my faith on here, because I try to keep this blog primarily about my career and things that happen at school but the Lord infiltrates every part of my life and it's impossible to keep Him out of my blog.

When I first interviewed at my school, I was warned about the "horrible" 8th grade class - unlike any other. At that time I was desperate for a job and quickly dismissed this comment. Almost immediately I began to see visions of that warning. Throughout the fall I was cussed at, given the middle finger many times, and told how awful of a teacher I was. One of my 8th grade classes in particular had many anger issues and LOTS of DRAMA! There were fights happening almost every other day. The 2nd week of January a student completely lost it in my classroom - cussing and honestly scaring me and I wondered if he would hurt me. After I forced him to leave class I broke down. I lost it. I was a horrible example to my students. I screamed at the top of my lungs, used the word "pissed" (which they continually remind me of) and I cried. I remember saying to them "I don't know what to do anymore. What can I do to get you to respect me?" Since this breakdown happened mostly due to my male student who lost it, I developed quite a bit of anger and bitterness toward him. This student was suspended and given a "second chance waiver" to come back to school. I kept thinking "he'll never make it when he comes back. He'll be kicked out within days." What a horrible lack of faith. God gave me the gift of teaching to believe in these kids whose parents aren't there (this boy's dad is in prison) and I totally did not give him a chance! He came back to school and despite my lack of support and horrible attitude he has SUCCEEDED! A student who was getting F's and D's had all A's and B's this term. He has been recognized by many teachers for a change in attitude. Did I mention that he has bipolar disorder or that he was the youngest person in the county to be put under house arrest 2 years ago? I have pulled him aside 2 different times to tell him how proud I am of him and he glows. No one has ever told him this before. When I think about this boy I feel ashamed. How could I give up on him in his weakest moment, even when he hurt me so badly? God doesn't give up on me when I sin against Him, deny Him, turn my back on Him.

God has made my lack of faith apparent to me by giving me rewards which I do not deserve. The class I was talking about earlier has become my favorite. Much of the drama is gone (come on they are in 8th grade, it can't completely go away). The students love me and although I shouldn't, I need their love. Many of them have expressed their disappointment over my being "let go". The boy I was just talking about even said if I got a job 2 hours away (a place that I applied to) he would go to high school there. I have not completely earned these student's acceptance. There were many times I wished evil on them or thought they were incapable of change.

Today 2 girls who have told me flat out they don't like me, asked to eat lunch with me. Wow - I was shocked but excited for lunch. We talked about boys, the dance coming up and one girl mentioned she didn't have a dress and couldn't afford to buy one so she didn't know if she would go. I've had some old dresses from high school and college in my trunk to try and sell at a resale shop so I went out a grabbed them. Girls started filtering in my room and it ended up becoming a "fitting room". A few of them are borrowing dresses for the dance now. It feels good to know that even if I don't get the dresses back and I can't sell them again, I got paid an even greater amount by helping these girls. These 2 girls wrote their names + mine on my hand = BFFs forever. They want to be my friend. I haven't changed so why do they like me now?

Whew, guess I've needed to update for awhile. Why is it I feel most like writing in the middle of the night but I can't never stay up that late? No wonder I STILL haven't gotten my short story published.

Teach